I Guess Here's More
Published by K. on
Helping my brother and him helping me
Today my brother came by to get help figuring out his financial situation.
He isn't my biological brother, but he is my brother. He's more of a sibling than my biological older sister was. He's also older than me, but we have a lot in common. He and I had similar upbringings and are both trans.
He is facing a nasty divorce because of his transition (I am so thankful that I found myself before I married my ex-fiance). He is also facing a lot of financial issues because of his divorce. Thankfully I am able to help somewhat. I am not rich, but I am generally good with money. S1 taught me that.
We had a good time and it was a theraputic experience. I didn't think accounting would feel like that but it did. We were able to work through some of his insecurites around money and we also spoke about some of mine.
I believe that it is impossible for me to feel safe with anyone. People argue with me on this, but they quickly stop when I describe my life experiences. The closest people in my life have lied to me about what has always mattered most to me. They told me they loved me they told me they would always be there for me. They told me that they would never leave me. And then they did.
They even had the gall to tell me that they hadn't.
At the end of the day, they did the math and decided that I wasn't worth it. They say things like "I need to put myself first" or "I need to do what is best for me". And this is as soon as I start to need them.
I am a very competent person and I am very good at taking care of myself. I needed to be. I have been taking care of myself and others since before I can remember. I can't count how many times I saved S's life.
Tonight my brother and I talked about all of this. I shared my pain and he shared his.
I want to be able to trust people. I don't know if I ever will be able to. I don't know if I will ever be able to feel safe with anyone.
I loved S. I loved my ex-fiance. I say I love my friends. I say I love my brother.
I'm not sure if I know what love is.
[1] My biological mother